AMUSEMENTS |
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World's
Fastest Roller Coaster
Unveiled
Ride opens at Six Flags
Vomit Adventure in New
Jersey. |
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SPORTS |
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Baseball: Playoffs Begin
Curses activated. |
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Montreal Expos Cleared to
Move to Washington, D.C.
But they're prohibited from bringing
affordable prescription drugs with them. |
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Baseball Mulls Instant Replay
However, umpires complain it would take
between fifteen and twenty years to
play one game. |
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Athletes
Honored as Role Models
In acceptance speeches
Mike Tyson, Dennis Rodman say
they're “proud to accept
these awards on behalf of fellow
athletes.” |
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FEATURE |
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The U.S. Treasury
Department has one third
as many agents assigned
to tracking Osama Bin
Laden's financial
infrastructure as it has
investigating |
A ) | drug
cartel money laundering
operations at offshore
dummy corporations based
on the planet Klevnar 9
in Alpha Centauri. |
B ) | signs
that the Rapture has
begun. |
C ) | Cuban
embargo violations. |
(Hint: Most agents
assigned to this investigation
speak Spanish.) |
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MILESTONES |
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Macaulay Culkin Turns 70
Now doesn't that make you feel old? |
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ALSO IN THE NEWS . . . |
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Bush Surveys
Florida Hurricane Damage
Promises to exact
revenge on Cuba.
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Report: 123,000
Hours of FBI
Intercepts Untranslated
“They're not in English,”
explains spokesman. |
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