| PEOPLE |
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John Negroponte to Be Picked as
First U.S. Ambassador to Iraq
UN envoy (left), who turned a
blind eye to Honduran death squads in
the '80's, apparently has beaten out: Paul
Wolfowitz, who forged our Iraq
policy; Pat Robertson, who called
Islam a violent religion; and Ann Coulter,
who said Muslims smell bad and should
all be killed. |
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| BUSINESS |
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Business Recovery Surges,
Falters
Inflation worries spike, ease; employment
up, down, expert advice mixed. |
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McDonald's Begins Offering
Healthier Menu Items
Unfortunately, all their customers have
died. |
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| ENTERTAINMENT |
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TV: New Reality Show to
Honor Bad Singers
It’s called “The Grammy
Awards.” |
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Trump Hires
"Apprentice"
Lucky winner will supervise CEO's ego,
upcoming bankruptcy. |
|
 New Opera
Debuts at La Scala
Lack of intermission
necessitates special
provisions for
performers. |
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| SCIENCE |
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75,000-Year-Old Beads Made
From Shells Found in South African Cave
Oldest evidence of jewelry was on
sale for "a fraction of the price
you'd normally pay." |
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New Spacecraft to Test
Einstein's Theory of Relativity
Should get answer before they launch
spacecraft, if everything goes according
to plan. |
| |
 New Model of
Universe Curved Like a
Pringles Potato Chip,
Shaped Like a Horn
"This is a profound
discovery," says a
spokesman for Pringles. |
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| BOOKS |
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Bob Woodward Book: Bush
Planned War in Secret
Told no one, except Bob Woodward. |
|
1611 Edition of Hamlet Fails to
Sell at Christie's Auction
But TV spin-off reality/survivor show,
"Who Wants to Kill My Dad?"
fetches $1.3 million. |
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| CORRECTION |
|
Last week, in his press conference, President
Bush said that “fifty tons of
mustard gas” were found on “a
turkey farm” in Libya. The White
House later admitted the President was
mistaken; the actual discovery was
“fifty turkeys” and a “a
ton of mustard” on a farm in
Louisiana. We’re sorry for any
confusion this may have caused. |
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