| PEOPLE |
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"Alias" Star Jennifer
Garner Featured in CIA Recruiting Video
“I'm not a covert agent working for
the overthrow of democratically elected
regimes, but I play one on TV,” she says. |
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| ENTERTAINMENT |
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Networks to Put All Programming
On a Delay
Will edit out, compile indecent material, then
offer it as “The DVD everybody’s been
waiting for!” |
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Hollywood: Another Remake
Of King Kong Announced
This one will be from the ape's
perspective. |
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| BUSINESS |
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Shamed By Scandals, Job
Losses, CEOs Shun Stock
Options in Pay Packages
Instead, they're accepting higher salaries,
larger cash bonuses. |
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| CURRENCY |
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Schwarzenegger Introduces
New California Quarter
Winning design depicts muscle beach,
first Austrian settlers, and the adult
film industry. |
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| SCIENCE |
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Report: Many Earth-Like
Planets in Our Galaxy
All capable of supporting
self-destructive idiots. |
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Brain Enzyme May Regulate Weight
AMPK speeds messages from Aw, Go
Ahead, You Only Live Once lobe. |
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 Study:
Male Monkeys Think
Carefully About Mating Choices
They have a 10-banana rating
system for females, say researchers. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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FDA Suppressed Evidence of Suicidal
Side Effects of Antidepressants
Accepted industry contention that “shit
happens.” |
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Caffeine, TV Keeping Children
Up Later, Says Study
Networks commit to run more late-night
cartoon shows. |
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| FINANCIAL PLANNING |
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Paying for Your Child's College
Education
Tip # 1: As soon as your child is born,
establish a College Savings Account and
make small but regular contributions by
robbing a bank once a month. |
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