| PEOPLE |
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Jesse Helms
Given Honorary Degree
Honored by Redneck State
College. |
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| MEDIA |
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FCC Establishes New Caps
On Media Control
Limits one owner to 99% of market. |
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More Trouble for
The New York Times
Revelation: paper is written, edited in
Philadelphia. |
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| BUSINESS |
|
U.S. Airlines Told to Raise
Weight Estimates 10 Pounds for Passengers
Also: stop feeding them. |
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Ronald
McDonald Gets Image
Makeover
He's now pious,
humble, and a vegetarian. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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Study: One Drink a Day
Increases Arterial Elasticity, Key to
Longer Life
Two drinks a day increases moral
elasticity, key to happier life. |
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Study: Obesity Costs America
$93 Billion a Year
Represents total amount spent on Oreos. |
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| SCIENCE |
|
Worse Than
Crop Circles?
Authorities hope giant
eating utensils turn out
to be prank, not portent
of things to come. |
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Mission to Earth’s Core
Proposed
Recent movie “proves it can be
done,” says project's director. |
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| UPDATE ON IRAQ |
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Only Woman in Iraqi
“Most
Wanted” Deck Captured
Rumsfeld declares, “Old maid!” |
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State Dept.: Chalabi a Clown
Defense Dept.: but he's our
clown. |
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