| SPORTS |
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Barry Bonds
Meets Japan's Home Run
King
Slugger Mitsubishi
Matsushita (left) hit 822
home runs last year. |
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NFL: Players Complain of
Livelier Ball
100-yard passes, punts flying out of
stadium hint at
"overinflation," they say. |
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Don King
Announces Series of Big
Fights
To be followed by series
of big lawsuits. |
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| RELIGION |
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God's Budget Same As Last Year
Revenue down, but no deficit due to
miracles. |
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OUR MAN IN HELL
by Richard Nixon |
| We all watched the
election returns down here with
Satanic glee. Looks like Junior
got the mandate he wanted. Now he
can go out and obliterate Iraq
while also greasing the palms of
his millionaire pals. And all
without so much as a burp from
the pinkos. |
| One word of
caution for him - and this is
straight from the Devil's
mouth - don't get carried
away like I did. I know little
Bushie's on the wagon, but
it's damn easy to get drunk
with power and go looking for
Daschle's dingleberries in
the middle of the night.
He's just lucky that fairy
Hoover isn't around to
listen in on every fart. |
| Finally, before
I'm thrown into the
bottomless pit for the umpteenth
time, don't expect all this
to last too long. Bush is just
one massacre of innocent
villagers away from losing
his-aaaaaaaaaah!!! |
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