 CONGRESSIONAL
LEADERS REASSURE NATION
Senate Majority Leader
Daschle (left), House Majority
Leader Armey (right) calm a jittery public. |
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| WORLD NEWS |
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Bush Proposes Changes in
Saudi Relationship
We'll provide them with oil if
they'll protect our ruling family. |
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U.S. Claims Air Superiority
Over Afghanistan
FAA declares it “safest place to
fly.” |
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| CENSUS 2000 |
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State of Utah Loses Census
Challenge
Claim of “vast undercount” of
wives rejected by federal court. |
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| ALSO IN THE NEWS |
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 Doomsday
Clock Mistakenly Set to Ten
After Midnight
Explains recent events, says
apologetic editor of Bulletin
of the Atomic Scientists. |
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| U. S. NEWS |
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House Acts to Save Economy
Three-martini lunch fully deductible
again. |
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Ashcroft Discovers Typo in 4th
Amendment
Was meant to prohibit “unseasonable
searches and seizures,” he says,
“and there's nothing unseasonable
about them now.” |
| |
 GUEST
COLUMNIST
Dear Dick,
My assignment is to
explain the terms
“investment”
and “return.”
Can you help? --
Tommy, 7th grade
Dear Tommy,
An investment is money
you spend today to get a
return tomorrow. Here's
how it works: 14 of
America's biggest
corporations recently
invested $15 million
dollars in soft money
donations to politicians
like me. That may sound
like a pretty big gamble,
but we just passed a law
giving those same
corporations $6.3 billion
dollars in tax rebates!
That's the return on the
investment. Pretty neat,
huh? |
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