BILL
CLINTON BIG WINNER
Shows off his $10,000,000 check
from Publishers Clearing
House. |
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| WORLD NEWS |
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World Leaders Go on Vacation
No wars till September. |
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Toronto, Runner-Up for 2008
Olympics, Executes Entire Bid Committee
After Brief Show Trial
City hopes to impress judges for 2012. |
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IRA: Weapons Will be
“Completely and Verifiably Beyond
Use”
They'll be “way up on the top shelf
where nobody can reach them.” |
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European Cities Abandoned to Tourists
in Traditional August Ritual
Skeleton crews remain to provide local
color, collect money. |
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| PICTURE OF THE
WEEK |
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| U. S. NEWS |
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Stem Cell Issue Divides Conservatives
Creates split between money-hungry
pharmaceutical cartels and fanatical religious zealots. |
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Pentagon Admits Target in
Missile Defense Test Had Homing Device
Also: lights, siren, recording
of Red Army Chorus singing
“Oklahoma!” |
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Feds Break Up Largest Child
Pornography Ring
Ashcroft describes Internet operation
as “the biggest and the best.” |
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 REMINDER
Cartoons aren't
real. |
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22% of U.S. Teens Don't Know
From What Country We Declared Our
Independence
Worst showing since Jefferson crossed the
Delaware in 1863. |
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California Now Faces
Power Glut
Residents being asked to voluntarily heat pools,
blow-dry hair, leave lights on all night. |
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Boy Scouts Revise Code
Today's scout is “trustworthy,
loyal, helpful, heterosexual, friendly,
courteous, kind, tit-chasing, obedient,
cheerful, thrifty, brave, pussy-poking,
clean, and reverent.” |
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