VATICAN PROFITS
SHRINKING
Part of worldwide
economic slowdown. |
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| WORLD NEWS |
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G-8 Summit Considered a
Success
Food good, wine superb, cigars
first-rate. |
|
U.S. Asks Russians to Help
Find Missing FBI Weapons, Computers
KGB has best records of FBI inventory. |
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Israel, Palestinians Reach
Agreement
Agree to escalate conflict. |
|
Queen Elizabeth Insists Royal
Family Cut Costs
Mistress maintenance fees halved. |
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Kenyans Asked to Abstain from
Sex for Two Years
World Bank asked to pay cost of cold
showers. |
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Elian Gonzalez Returned to
U.S.
“Obnoxious brat” wears out
welcome in Cuba. |
|
 Security
Tight at G-8 Summit
German Deputy Foreign Minister
Hans Pfaff (right) is
strip-searched before
being allowed entrance. |
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| U. S. NEWS |
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FBI “Misplaces” Keys, Glasses in
Latest Embarrassment
Can't get in headquarters without
keys, can't find keys without
glasses. |
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Pentagon Scraps Old Strategy
for Winning Two Wars Simultaneously
New plan is “win one, lose
one.” |
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Artificial Heart
“Working Flawlessly”
But patient died two weeks ago. |
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Florida: 6,291 Alligators
Voted for Bush
Ballots were properly filled out, says
Harris. |
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REMINDER
You're turning
into your mother. |
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| CONSUMER NEWS |
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Dodge Caravan Gets "Poor"
Rating in Government Crash Tests
But receives “Excellent” rating from
International Brotherhood of Car Bombers. |
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| ALSO IN THE NEWS . . . |
|
UFO's Observed Hovering Over
Wide Swath of New Jersey
Bright, glowing objects dismissed by Air
Force as “nothing more than alien
intelligences observing us at close
range.” |
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