Ironic Times

page one
PAGE THREE - OCTOBER 9 - 15, 2000
page two

Bush Confident He'll Be Moving Into White House
Has already picked out spot for beer can collection. (left, George W. and some of his 15,000 cans)
Michael Jackson, Cher to
Swap Body Parts
His nose, her butt main components of deal.
Frost Scholar Chooses Road
Not Taken
Aspiring poet lost in snow for three weeks; hopes dim.
  Obsessive-Compulsive Ratatouille

Ingredients: Two, identical medium tomatoes, 3/16 lb mushrooms, 3/8 cup chopped onions, 12.3" sliced zucchini, 14 oz can tomato sauce.
Wash tomatoes, mushrooms, zucchini. (Wash tomatoes again.) Chop onions into tiny, teeny bits.
That's not small enough. Chop each bit in half.
Sautť vegetables in two T oil, for 158 seconds. Add sauce, cook 4 minutes 17 seconds. Serve immediately.
(Wash tomatoes again.)
Environment to End in 2048
Possibly sooner.

The 19th Hole
by Seamus McFadden

Talking to the late Ben Hogan the other day about who had the best swing among dead presidents, when who should drop by but Dwight "Ike" Eisenhower, a pretty fair linksman in his own right. Ike, ever the modest warrior, nominated Warren Harding. Bantam Ben, who battled Snead, Demaret, and the great Byron Nelson when still alive, sang the praises of Martin Van Buren, who actually learned the game "up here." What about Tricky Dick Nixon? The tenacious Texan thought a moment, then said: "As a golfer, Nixon was a good president."

Meanwhile, donít mention golf to Bing Crosby, who hasnít two-putted since he was crooning coast-to-coast. "Iíve got the yips," Der Bingle confessed. Yips or no yips, heíll be teeing it up with Jackie Gleason, Phil Harris, and Issac Bashevis Singer (the dead writer) on the No. 2 course at Green Pastures in the Pearly Gates Invitational next week. Should be quite an affair, with a dinner hosted by old pal Georgie Jessel.

Thatís all for now, but remember: always replace your divot, it might be someone you know.


©  Copyright 2000 Ironic Times