Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – OCTOBER 14 - 20, 2019
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TECHNOLOGY
Proposed Giant Space Elevator Eliminates Need for Rockets
“Third Floor - Menswear, Fourth Floor - Ladies Lingerie, Four-Thousandth Floor - Low Earth Orbit.”
 
MISCELLANEOUS
People More Likely to Blame
Video Games for Mass
Shootings if Suspect White

More likely to blame mental illness if suspect a white supremacist.
 
EDUCATION
Study: Professors Must
Entertain Students to Keep
Them Off YouTube

Some have resorted to bringing their cat to class.
 
SPORTS
Man Runs First Marathon
In Under Two Hours

And still misses his plane.
NBA Now Requires Teams to
List Players' Accurate Heights

Can still fudge their age, weight, marital status.
FEATURE
The U.S. Government warns people against using what after a nuclear explosion?
  A )  Antiperspirant
  B )  Mouthwash
  C )  Conditioner
  D )  Sunscreen
  E )  Moisturizer
Hint: If and when there's a nuclear war try shampooing less often.
 
FACTOID
Survey: Average American
Hasn't Made a New Friend
In 5 Years

Finds other average Americans not worth getting to know.
 
ODDS 'N' ENDS
5,000-Year-Old Metropolis Uncovered in Israel
Beneath it, a 10,000-year-old metropolis.

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