Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – SEPTEMBER 9 - 15, 2019
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CONSUMER NEWS
Tyson to Debut Plant-Based Shrimp Next Year
Paired with meatless meat it promises a “Surfless 'n' Turfless” dinner special.
 
MISCELLANEOUS
Study: Marriage Rates Down
Due to Lack of “Economically Attractive” Men

Most of the “economically attractive” ones facing sexual harassment charges.
 
SPORTS
NFL Season Begins With Controversial New Replay Rule
Expect to see the same commercials replayed over and over again.
 
AUTOMOTIVE
World's Fastest Driverless Car Hits 175mph
Driving enthusiasts say they “can't wait” to not drive one.
TECHNOLOGY
This Hypersonic Airliner Would Take You From Los Angeles to Tokyo in Under Two Hours
Or to Las Vegas in under eight minutes.
Study: Digital Assistants Could
Make Children Less Polite

More reports of 10-year-olds screaming “Fuck you, Alexa!”
 
ODDS 'N' ENDS
  Trump Campaign Selling
“Official Donald Trump
Fine-Point Markers”

Also available: “Official Donald Trump Two-Ply Toilet Paper.”
 
BREAKING NEWS
At Last Minute, Trump Cancels
Secret Talks at Camp David
With Taliban

Also cancels their Sept. 11th visit to
Ground Zero.

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