Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – JULY 29 - AUG 4, 2019
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PEOPLE
Report: Commerce Secretary Ross Keeps Falling Asleep in Meetings
He came up with census citizenship question in his sleep.
Bernard Madoff Asks Trump to Reduce His Prison Sentence
Promises to let him in on the ground floor of his next Ponzi scheme.
 
ENTERTAINMENT
Woodstock 50 Festival Happening, But in Maryland, Not Woodstock
At an assisted living facility.
 
CONSUMER NEWS
Pampers Unveils “Smart” Diapers That Remotely Monitor Everything
Instantly sends text to your cellphone: “You've got poop.”
SCIENCE
Study Finds Gorillas Developing Humanlike Social Structure
With chest-beaters ruling over deep thinkers.
Researchers: Earth Headed for Major Heating Event Within Five Generations
Based on this picture.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Study: Cricket Juice Healthier Than Orange Juice
And just think of the money you'll save.
 
ENVIRONMENT
UN: Europe's Heat Wave Could Melt Greenland's Ice Sheet, Cause Sea Rise of 23 Feet
Much of humanity, Mar-a-Lago, and six of Trump's seven golf courses would be underwater.

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