| TECHNOLOGY |
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 California:
First Burger- Flipping Robot Begins Work
Guy it replaced at large, considered
armed and dangerous. |
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Report: Geek Squad Turning
Customer Data Over to FBI
Genius Bar likely front for CIA. |
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Elon Musk to Begin Sending
Spaceships to Mars Next Year
Hopes to sell Teslas to Klingons. |
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| MISCELLANEOUS |
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Researcher: Annotations in Early
Historical Book's Section on
Danish King Hamlet May Have Been
Made by Shakespeare Himself
“To steal, or not to steal, that
is the question,” he writes in margin. |
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Trump to Consider Elephant Trophy
Imports on “Case-By-Case” Basis
Will apply same protocol to trophy wife imports. |
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| CONSUMER NEWS |
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Pizza Hut Replaces Papa John's
as Official Pizza of NFL
And Rolaids replaces Tums as official antacid. |
|
 Glass Ceiling
Broken at Last
Johnnie Walker Scotch introduces Jane Walker. |
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| INVESTIGATIONS |
|
Manafort Now Wearing Two
GPS-Tracking Bracelets
And they're fully coordinated with his designer suits. |
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| ODDS 'N' ENDS |
|
 132-Year-Old
Message in a Bottle Discovered in Australia
It reads, simply, “Dispose of properly.” |
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