| TRUMP MEETS WITH MEXICAN PRESIDENT NIETO |
 Learns Mexican Tunnel Workers
Union strongly supports his plan to build great wall. |
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| WORLD NEWS |
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Pope Francis Canonizes Mother Teresa
Cheers go up from vendors selling Saint Teresa
t-shirts, jewelry, velvet paintings. |
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European Poll: Right-Wingers
Most Likely to Be Satisfied
With Their Sex Lives
Right wingers' partners least satisfied. |
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| ALSO IN THE NEWS ... |
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 Spain:
Revelers Pelt Each Other With Tomatoes
at Annual “Tomatina”
While Friends of Tomatoes protest nearby. |
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| U. S. NEWS |
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Early Voting Already Underway in Some States
So far, Jeb Bush holds a comfortable lead. |
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Federal Gun-Tracking Center
Can't Be Computerized, by Law
Because computers will never replace carbon paper, microfilm. |
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| REMINDER |
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Wear sunscreen, or a burkini. |
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Direct Flights to Cuba Resume
For First Time Since 1961
You can now purchase that 1951 De Soto of your dreams. |
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Obama Commutes Man's Life
Sentence for Selling LSD
Says he has only fond memories of his
own acid dealer. |
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| POLITICS |
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Report: Russian Hackers Broke
Into Two States' Voting Systems
Could become first hackers to serve in Congress. |
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