Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – MAY 16 - 22, 2016
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PEOPLE
Judge Hears Recordings of 92-Year-Old Sumner Redstone Arranging a Threesome, Dismisses Suit Challenging His Competency
“A threesome!” he sighs.
 
BUSINESS
25 Best-Paid Hedge Fund Managers Made a Collective $13 Billion Last Year
Last year, twenty-five best-paid hedge-trimmers made a collective $130,000.
Budweiser Renames Itself “America” Until Elections
Hopes patriotic rebranding on cans attracts new drinkers unaware of watery swill they contain.
Mitsubishi Execs Apologize for Tampering, Lying About Fuel Economy Data Since 1991
Then introduce “exciting line” of Mitsubishis for 2017.
SCIENCE
NASA's Space Telescope Finds
1,284 New Planets; 9 Might
Support Life as We Know It

Not necessarily a reason to go there.
New Evidence: Humans,
Mastodons Coexisted in Florida

Huge beach barbeques lasting ten days and longer not uncommon.
White House Launches National Microbiome Initiative to Advance Scientific Understanding of Microbial Diversity
And introduces celebrity spokesperson, Ant Man.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
FDA to Re-Evaluate Official
Definition of “Healthy”

“Rosy-cheeked” may no longer suffice.
Whole Foods Rolls out “365” Stores, With Lower Prices, Fewer Options
Everything will have gluten.
Study: Burgers Contain Rat
And Human DNA

Finding totally grosses out rats.

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