| PEOPLE |
 |
 Romney
Says He Won't Run for President in 2016
But he would consider running for Vice President. |
|
|
 Indiana Gov. Pence Decides Against
Establishing State-Run News Outlet
Internment camps, martial law still on the table. |
|
| |
| BUSINESS |
|
Rolls-Royce Has Record
Sales in 2014
Also Grey Poupon. |
|
Apple Reports Record Profits;
Enough to Give Every American $556
Which would cover the $556 they
had to shell out for an iPhone. |
|
 Apologetic Makers of
Gandhi-Bot Beer to Rebrand After Indian Complaints
Will go with their second choice: Buddhaweiser. |
|
|
| SCIENCE |
|
Astronomers Find Solar System
More Than Twice as Old as Ours
Relationships between older and
younger galaxies problematic. |
|
New Theory: Volcanoes, Not
Asteroid, Wiped Out Dinosaurs
Either way, thank goodness they're gone. |
| |
| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
|
CDC: Disneyland Measles
Outbreak Came From Overseas
Spokesperson for Disney: “It's a
small world afer all.” |
|
 Researchers Claim Breakthrough
in Treating Peanut Allergies
Lead researcher, removing his
monocle says, “I'm encouraged.” |
|
|
Study: Lonely, Depressed People
More Likely to Binge-Watch TV
Not “binge-watching tv results in loneliness
and depression” as previously thought. |
| |
| RELIGION |
|
Mormon Church Shifts
On Gay Rights
Adopts “Don't ask, don't tell.” |
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