| NEW PRODUCTS |
 |
 Finally, a Toothbrush That Costs
More Than Bridgework!
Buying a $4200 toothbrush might seem
extravagant, unless you use spun gold
for dental floss and rinse with Dom
Perignon. Pack of six, $25,000, at all
$25,000 Only stores. |
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|
 World's First
Hoverboard Unveiled
Could revolutionize ancillary sales for
“Back to the Future” franchise. |
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|
 It's a
$175,000 Punching Bag From Louis Vuitton!
Comes complete with gloves, mouthpiece,
smelling salts, but beware of knockoffs. |
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| SPORTS |
|
Investigation: Thousands of
U. of North Carolina Athletes
Given Phony Grades
In lieu of simply paying them for their services. |
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| FEATURE |
 |
| Between 2000
and 2012, the total number of cases of in-person
voter fraud in the United States was: |
| |
A ) |
10 |
| |
B ) |
100 |
| |
C ) |
1,000 |
| |
D ) |
10,000 |
| Hint: you can use your fingers. |
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| |
| ELECTION 2014 |
|
Upcoming Midterm Elections
Called “Most Critical” of
Last 50 Years
Americans must choose between
“total gridock” and “near total gridlock.” |
| |
| ODDS 'N' ENDS |
|
 Music Box Figurine of Putin Annexing
Crimea to Be Sold at Auction
Wind it up and he signs papers
to the tune of “Cry Me a River.” |
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