| PEOPLE |
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 Pat Robertson
Surprised to Learn Women Watch Porn
Says he's never seen a woman in an adult movie theater. |
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| BUSINESS |
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Coca-Cola Attacked by Chinese Hackers
But they only come away with recipe for New Coke. |
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McDonald's Loses Money
For First Time in Decade
Financial analyst blames “those damn salads.” |
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| MEDIA |
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Karl Rove, Donald Trump in
Post-Election Meltdowns
Liberals can view replays on The Schadenfreude Channel. |
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 Romney Victory
Website Accidentally Goes Online After Election
Some supporters book flights to attend inaugural. |
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| SCIENCE |
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Scientific American Study: Men and Women
Can't Be “Just Friends”
Based on thousands of blind dates. |
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British UFO Organization
Now Says It Thinks We May
Be Alone in Universe
As alone as somebody who tells people they belong
to a UFO organization. |
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 Revealed:
China Has Its Own Secretive Space Plane
Made at same Chinese factory that produces our
secret space plane. |
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Climate Change May Cause
Loss of Bamboo, Sole Source
Of Food for Pandas
Public urged to transfer its affection to armadillos. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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Study: 30% of All Health Care
Costs Wasted
The rest goes to administration. |
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