Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – SEPTEMBER 5 - 11, 2011
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NEW PRODUCTS
 
New Machine Liquifies Your Remains for Easy Disposal
And makes smoothies, too.
 
Combination USB Drive/Vibrator Debuts
Not recommended for business meetings.
 
New Personal 3-D Viewers Allow You to See Everything in 3-D!
Special cameras monitor everything you look at, projecting it on a tiny screen inside the viewer. So realistic, you'll swear you're not looking through a viewer. $1500 at I Can Already Do That.
 
ENVIRONMENT
Bad News: Lake Michigan Now
Contains 900 Trillion Invasive
Quagga Mussels

Good news: goes great with linguini.
FEATURE
The Consumer Energy Alliance is composed of:
A )Consumers seeking lower energy costs.
B )Consumers wanting to be more energetic.
C )Martians wanting more energy.
D )Oil and gas company lobbyists seeking tax breaks for the oil and gas industry.
Hint: Mars already has enough energy.
 
MISCELLANEOUS
Site of King Arthur's Round Table Purportedly Found
By out-of-work producer for History Channel.

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