Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – MARCH 24 - 30, 2008
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NEW PRODUCTS
Finally, Guns That Come in Fun Colors!
What a great idea! Ever since we gave ourselves the right to carry them, guns have been dull, dull, dull. But these semiautomatic beauties come in a variety of “now” colors that go with just about any decor (before being splattered with blood, of course). Hey, they're so cute your kids will want to play with them! $200, at Bloomingdale's.
 
SPORTS
Study: March Madness Costs $1.7
Billion in Workplace Productivity

Not counting guy who runs pool and always seems to win it.
Beijing Olympics: New Concerns
Raised About Air Quality

Local officials consider banning Olympic torch from entering city.
 
HIGH TECH
Revolutionary "Aging Mirror" Technology Unveiled
Now twenty-somethings can become depressed years earlier.
FEATURE
Experts are advising that despite the financial crisis you should not panic. What should you do?
A ) Heed the advice and don't panic. After all, they are experts.
B ) Don't panic now, but keep checking with the experts to see if and when they advise you to panic.
C ) Panic.
Hint: They got to be experts by telling you everything was fine, remember?
 
TRAVEL
JetBlue to Start Charging
Extra for Legroom

Big savings if you fly curled up in fetal position.
 
MISCELLANEOUS
Retirement Home Agrees to Alter Swastika Shape
Will reconfigure buildings into shape of burning cross.

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