Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – MAY 14 - 20, 2007
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NEW PRODUCTS
Jet-Propelled Outhouse Goes Fast, Even if You Don't
Sometimes diapers aren't enough. The two-cylinder single-passenger Latrina is perfect if you really can't afford to stop for anything except rocket fuel. Opt for the sports package, with 6-CD changer, stiffer suspension and half-moon roof. Base model $18,590 at Cesspools, Segways and Beyond.
 
TRAVEL
Universal to Build Dubai Theme Park
Paradiseland will feature racetrack, discos, Michael Jackson's Small World, Four Hundred Virgins Ride.
 
KIDZ KORNER
Create Your Own News Story:
Just Fill In the Blanks



City officials in ____ expressed dismay at the behavior of the police at the recent ___ of ____ at ____. Local leaders and attorneys deplored the police attack on the ____, which was apparently unprovoked. Local media officials also protested that ____ reporters were among the injured. Mayor __ was "very disappointed" especially after the ____ Commission’s report, following the ____ incident, only __ years ago. "They were supposed to have all these reforms in place," said ___ , "but instead they did exactly what they did in ___."
FEATURE
The United States has at last brought charges against:
A ) an anti-Castro terrorist wanted in several countries for the 1976 bombing of an airliner with 73 aboard.
B ) several losers who plotted with FBI informants to do something that would be bad in New Jersey.
C ) Members of an Al Qaeda affiliated group on Mars.
  Hint: it's not “A”.
 
MISCELLANEOUS
NASA to Display Life-Sized Model of New Space Telescope on D.C. Mall
Replica cost more than actual telescope, which seeks funding.
 
SPORTS
Aaron, Commissioner Won't Be There When Bonds Breaks Record
Each has previously scheduled appointment for whenever he hits 756th home run.
Yankees Sign Clemens for Approx.
$1 Million Per Start

That's $333,000 per beanball, $194,000 per brushback, $78,000 per chin music.

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