Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – APRIL 9 - 15, 2007
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NEW PRODUCTS
World's First Commercially Available Rocket Pack Goes on Sale to Public
They're prohibitively expensive right now, but as more of us start using them the price will drop and we'll all be flying around, Jetson-style. ($256,000, at Just Whirlybirds).
 
FACTOID
28,258 Internet Users Viewing Pornography Every Second
Although some may be dogs.
 
MISCELLANEOUS
Longtime Hatfield-McCoy Feud
Linked to Genetic Defect

McCoys lack crucial gene necessary for decency and honesty, says Dr. Lemuel E. Hatfield of the Hatfield Institute.
 
BOOKS
Cover of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Unveiled
Rest of book yet to be written.
FEATURE
John McCain's security's-getting-better visit to a Baghdad market was difficult for campaign photographers because:
A ) he was wearing a bulletproof vest.
B ) he was protected by 100 soldiers in armored vehicles.
C ) he was also protected by snipers on rooftops and helicopters.
Hint: it was really hard to get a sniper-and-helicopter free shot.

The Center for the Evaluation of Risks to Human Reproduction, the federal agency whose mission is to assess the dangers which chemicals pose to human health, has been performing its duties of review, reporting and selecting members of its scientific review panel:
A ) by independent research conducted by its own staff.
B ) by hiring a private consulting company with close ties to the chemical industry, including the manufacturer of a plastic baby bottle containing a chemical linked to reproductive damage.
C ) by traveling to Mars.
Hint: it doesn’t involve interplanetary travel.

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