Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – MAY 15 - 21, 2006
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POLITICS
Bush Makes
3-Day Swing Through Florida

Shown: he thanks Katherine Harris for rigging 2000 election.
 
MISCELLANEOUS
British Survey: Over 60% Use Screwdrivers, Scissors to Clean Teeth
Use dental floss for home repair, arts and crafts projects.
Researchers Developing Flatulence-Free Beans
Despite fierce opposition from adolescent boys.
 
KIDZ KORNER
Write Your Own News Story! Just fill in the blanks in this Reusable News Template!

A ferry carrying ___ passengers capsized off the coast of _____ yesterday, and so far ____ bodies have been recovered. The cause of the disaster is not known, but survivors reported that the vessel did not have adequate safety equipment. A ferry of the ___ class is supposed to have at least ____ life boats and ____ life vests, but the survivors said there were no more than ___ life boats, and few life vests. The ship was owned by the ______ company, located in ____, but flew under the flag of ____, which has few licensing requirements. Apparently the ship was last inspected in _____ despite the fact that it was supposed to be inspected in _____. It was apparently overloaded when it sank.
FEATURE
Ask the Department of Homeland Security

Q: How is vital information gathered by highly trained investigators in my government to protect me from harm?
- Amy G., Sheboygan, Wisconsin
A: Dear Amy: Many ways. Recently, officials with the FBI's Joint Terrorism Task Force questioned Miguel Salas, a history professor at Pomona College, asking him if there was a Venezuelan consulate in Los Angeles. We can't tell you the answer, of course. By the way Amy, what is your last name?

Q: How's that new computer system coming along at the FBI?
- Doug A., San Francisco, California
A: Dear Doug: As you may know, the first system, the Virtual Case File, was scrapped because we could never get it to work, after spending $170 million on it. But we're spending $500 million on the new Sentinel system, which should be ready by 2010, and the only problem with it is that we'll be unable to share information with other intelligence services. What's your last name, Doug?
 
RELIGION
Breakthrough: Rich Can Get Into Heaven
Change announced after camel successfully passes through eye of needle (right).

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