| MISCELLANEOUS |
 |
 Ken Returns
to Barbie, With Two New
Looks
She can choose between
bland blonde beach bum
Ken (left) and dark,
leather-jacketed, worldly,
mysterious “bad boy”
Ken (right). |
|
| |
| KIDZ KORNER |
Write Your Own
News Story! Just fill in the
blanks in this Reusable
News Template!
In the latest of an embarrassing series of
disclosures, the Deputy __________ for
_______ at the Department of _________ was
forced to resign when "discrepancies" were
discovered in his resume. _________ had
claimed that he graduated from the
University of __________ with a major in
________, but no record of his attendance
could be found. A spokeswoman for the
department said that _______ was "pretty
sure" he'd attended the University, but was
going to check his records. While in his post
at the Department of _________, he was
responsible for purging __ senior officials,
with __ years of experience and expertise in
_________, suppressing their reports, altering
their conclusions, and replacing them with
political operatives like himself, who had no
knowledge whatsoever of ___________. His
only qualification was apparently loyalty to
__________, whose campaign he worked on.
At the Department of ____________ he was
known for his virulent homophobia and religious
extremism. |
|
|
|
| FEATURE |
 |
| We have 3% of the
world's oil reserves. The
Middle East has 66%. If we want to free
ourselves from dependence on Middle East
oil, we must: |
| A ) | Start
drilling in the Alaskan National
Wildlife Refuge at once to get the most out of
our 3%. |
| B ) | Start
looking for oil right away on other
nearby planets, like Mars. |
| C ) | Set
some mileage standards for our cars. |
Hint: Mileage standards are
un-American. Are you a terrorist? |
|
| Currently the
top 13,000 families in
the U.S. have as much
wealth as: |
| A ) | the bottom 100,000. |
| B ) | the bottom 1,000,000. |
| C ) | the bottom 97,000,000. |
Hint: Can you say,
“plutocracy”? |
|
|
|
| |
| SPORTS |
|
Gambling Scandal Rocks Hockey
Some fights may have been fixed. |
| |
| ANSWER TO
LAST WEEK'S PUZZLER |
| |
| “0” was the number
of times the terror alert level has been raised
since the last presidential election.
“Zero,” “none,”
“nil,” and “zilch”
are also correct. |
|
|
