Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – AUGUST 4-10, 2003
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ALSO IN THE NEWS
Constitution Released to Public
Redacted sections relate to national security, says White House.
 
BUSINESS
Potent Growth Report Signals
Virile U.S. Economy

Led by sales of impotence drugs.
McDonald's to Introduce
Robotic Burger Flipper

Meant to delight customers, slash 50,000 jobs.
 
SPECIAL FEATURE
TRENDS
Latest Theory: Traffic
Congestion Good

Indicates vital economy, say experts, who arrive late to press conference.
 
SCIENCE
Female Japanese Quail With Sex
Experience Watch Males Fight,
Choose Losers Over Winners

Better lovers, say experienced birds, plus they come pre-beaten.
2000-Year-Old Cosmetics Case Unearthed in London
After careful study it will be returned to Joan Collins.
Latest Government Job Postings
  Government Agency   Job Description  
  White House Office of Science & Technology Assessment   Cook science data to support current policies  
  Office of Management & Budget   Twist numbers to back up phony budget projections  
  Environmental Protection Agency   Bury environmental impact studies to greenlight development projects  
  Justice Department   Invent reasons to circumvent Bill of Rights  
  Department of Education   Divert attention from program cuts, write speeches about leaving no child behind  

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