Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – APRIL 21 - 27, 2003
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LAW
President Signs Secret Security Bill Into Law
Only he and Attorney General John Ashcroft know what’s in it.
 
THE WAR
Iraq Taking Steps to Establish
Western-Style Government

Already $200 billion in debt.
Combat Over, Troops
Start to Leave Iraq

Thousands of Fox News employees return to U.S.
 
SPORTS
Baseball: Pitchers Ahead of Hitters
But steroids haven't kicked in yet.
More Fan Attacks in Chicago
White Sox consider dropping two-drink minimum.

To improve on Mark Twain, accounts of my demise have been vastly overstated. That's right, it's me - the Ace of Spades! Bush and his deck full of Jokers didn't kill me, and they'll never find me, either, at least not before angry mobs run the infidels out of the country and restore to power the only man capable of running it - me! Who else? Not those turds, the Kurds. Not those shit-for-brains Shiites. Certainly not that chalupa Chalabi. Think Yugoslavia after Tito. When it's time for some ethnic spring cleaning I'll be back, you can count on it. Until then, I'm living in the lap of luxury, one hundred feet down. Hey, I bet Dick Cheney doesn't have solid gold toothpicks. Enjoy your freedom, suckers!

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