| PEOPLE |
 |
Beyonce
Replaces Britney as Pepsi
Spokesperson
Booty in, patootie out. |
|
 |
|
|
Paul Changes Beatles' Song
Credits to "McCartney-Lennon"
Also wants to change name of John's
widow to Ono Yoko. |
| |
| BUSINESS |
|
McDonald's, Longtime
Kids' Favorite, Reports First
Quarterly Loss
Plans to fire Ronald, drop the Happy
Meals, raise prices, and start serving
liquor. |
|
FTC Creates National "Do
Not Call" List for Telemarketers
Database consists of people who have no
money. |
|
Several Airlines to Offer
High-Speed Internet Access
Makes it possible to e-mail the lady with
the screaming child in the seat right
behind you. |
| |
| CORRECTION |
|
 Picture at right
was misidentified as 50,000 North
Koreans in an anti-American
protest march. In fact it is
50,000 South Koreans in
an anti-American protest march.
We apologize for the confusion. |
|
|
| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
|
Drug Use, Smoking, Drinking
Down Among U.S. Teens
More are putting it off until college. |
|
French Scientists Detect
Pollutants From Industrial Sewage in
Escargots
Rest of the world not overly concerned. |
| |
| SCIENCE |
|
 World's
Fastest Computer Performs
35.6 Trillion
Calculations Per Second
Currently leased to Miss Cleo. |
|
| |
| THE PRESS |
To
help streamline the news
gathering process in
2003, the Bush
Administration has issued
the following templates
for use in covering a
wide variety of upcoming
events:
Federal _________
Regulators Relax
Standards
But promise vigorous
enforcement.
Target Date for
_________ Compliance Delayed
Industry leaders praise
more realistic target.
Clinton Era ________
Rules Reversed
To conform with latest
scientific evidence.
_______ Regime Given
Human Rights OK
Certification report
cites
"progress."
____ Civilian
Casualties Not Confirmed
Army investigating
charges, will report
later. |
|
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