Ironic Times

NO. 60 "Expect the Ironic" NOVEMBER 5 - 11, 2001

Oct 29
Nov 12
CONGRESSIONAL LEADERS REASSURE NATION
Senate Majority Leader Daschle (left), House Majority Leader Armey (right) calm a jittery public.
 
WORLD NEWS
Bush Proposes Changes in
Saudi Relationship

We'll provide them with oil if they'll protect our ruling family.
U.S. Claims Air Superiority
Over Afghanistan

FAA declares it “safest place to fly.”
 
CENSUS 2000
State of Utah Loses Census Challenge
Claim of “vast undercount” of wives rejected by federal court.
 
ALSO IN THE NEWS
Doomsday Clock Mistakenly Set to Ten After Midnight
Explains recent events, says apologetic editor of Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists.
 
U. S. NEWS
House Acts to Save Economy
Three-martini lunch fully deductible again.
Ashcroft Discovers Typo in 4th
Amendment

Was meant to prohibit “unseasonable searches and seizures,” he says, “and there's nothing unseasonable about them now.”
 
GUEST COLUMNIST

Dear Dick,
My assignment is to explain the terms “investment” and “return.” Can you help?     -- Tommy, 7th grade

Dear Tommy,
An investment is money you spend today to get a return tomorrow. Here's how it works: 14 of America's biggest corporations recently invested $15 million dollars in soft money donations to politicians like me. That may sound like a pretty big gamble, but we just passed a law giving those same corporations $6.3 billion dollars in tax rebates! That's the return on the investment. Pretty neat, huh?
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