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Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO - SEPTEMBER 17 - 23, 2001
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PEOPLE
 
QUEEN ELIZABETH ARRESTED IN INTERNATIONAL DRUG STING
“I told you so,” says Lyndon Larouche.
BUSH BUILDS BACKYARD HOLDING CELL FOR DAUGHTERS
“Just for the summer,” he promises.
HEFNER: I'M NOT HAPPY
Reveals, in painful Vanity Fair interview, that he's gay.
 
GOOD NEWS: QUEEN MUM IMPROVING
She's back on her feet after recent snowboarding accident.
 
TOM GREEN, DREW BARRYMORE TIE THE KNOT
Begin stormy, 3-year marriage.
 
BOZO THE CLOWN QUITS SHOWBIZ AFTER FORTY YEARS
Will run for governor of Minnesota.
 
MICHAEL JACKSON ANNOUNCES COMEBACK
He's coming back as LaToya Jackson.
 
THIS WEEK IN HISTORY
EINSTEIN MEETS THE THREE STOOGES
Historic meeting takes place at Moe's California mountain retreat on July 19, 1947.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
HMO's Blame “A Few Bad
Apples” for Problems

Small minority of troublemakers get sick, demand costly medical attention.
Lard, Nicotine, Crack Now Considered Healthy in Moderation
New study welcome news for overweight crack addicts who smoke.
Drug Companies Explain High Prices
Needed to finance research and development of new marketing techniques.
Study Shows Most Students on
Ritalin,Teachers on Prozac
Test scores improving.
 
Men, Women, Use Different Parts of Body for Thinking, Study Reveals
Women use both sides of their brain, men use neither.
 
SCIENCE
New DNA Research: All Humans Descended From African “Adam”
Authorities still looking for deadbeat dad now 100,000 years behind in child support.
Genetically-Engineered Chickens on Steroids Lay a Dozen Eggs at a Time
“Probably safe for human consumption,” says FDA.
Researcher Discovers Secret
Of Dreams While Sleeping

But can't remember it in the morning.
 
CENSUS 2000
Latest Figures Reveal New
Demographic Picture of California
Celebrities 41%     Extraterrestrials 11%
Waiters 23%     Other 6%
Personal Trainers 18%     Don't Know 1%
 
CORRECTION
Last week, in the Your Money column, Mr. Money advised readers to "pour everything" into the depleted tech sector and "gobble up attractive bargains among the struggling dot-coms." Many of you wrote to say that you lost all your money based on that advice. We're sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused.
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