| PEOPLE |
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Bernhard Goetz
Running for Mayor of New
York
Hoping voters go, “The name's
familiar, now what did he
do again?” |
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| SPORTS |
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Football Training Camps Over
Players, fans, cops, lawyers ready for
season to begin. |
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Baseball Cracking Down
On Dress Code
Bans all hoop earrings, tiaras, short
skirts, and stiletto heels. |
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Yankees Sign First
Two Cloned Ballplayers
Mets sign clones
of Marv Throneberry and Choo
Choo Coleman. |
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| ALSO IN THE NEWS ... |
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Scientists Warn 80-Foot
Tsunami Could Hit Atlantic
Coast if Volcano Erupts
Study issued because we don't have enough
to worry about. |
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| GUEST
COLUMN |
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LINCOLN BEDROOM LOWDOWN
by Abraham Lincoln |
| Four score and seven years ago I'd
already been dead for 49 years, but
that's beside the point. Here's
the latest from the hallowed and haunted
halls of the White House: |
| Not much happened in August; the place
was a ghost town, literally. I miss the
Clintons. For a while there it was a
party every night. Even the Trumans were
more fun than this Bush bunch. But,
they're hardly ever here. And the
guests they let in! Texas oilmen in
ten-gallon hats and rattlesnake boots
with their blue-haired wives named Dolly.
Yikes! |
Gotta go... the current residents have
just returned.
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| CORRECTION |
| Last
week (Aug. 27) we reported the
following: “Nothing New in Over a
Week From Dennis Rodman.” Late
Sunday night, just after we went to
press, Mr. Rodman was reportedly involved
in a fracas at a restaurant where he
allegedly sprayed patrons and employees
with a fire extinguisher. Charges are
pending. We apologize for any confusion
this may have caused. |
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