Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE - SEPTEMBER 3, 2001
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PEOPLE
Bernhard Goetz Running for Mayor of New York
Hoping voters go, “The name's familiar, now what did he do again?”
SPORTS
Football Training Camps Over
Players, fans, cops, lawyers ready for season to begin.
Baseball Cracking Down
On Dress Code

Bans all hoop earrings, tiaras, short skirts, and stiletto heels.
Yankees Sign First Two Cloned Ballplayers
Mets sign clones of Marv Throneberry and Choo Choo Coleman.
 
ALSO IN THE NEWS ...
Scientists Warn 80-Foot
Tsunami Could Hit Atlantic
Coast if Volcano Erupts
Study issued because we don't have enough to worry about.
GUEST COLUMN
 
LINCOLN BEDROOM LOWDOWN
by Abraham Lincoln
Four score and seven years ago I'd already been dead for 49 years, but that's beside the point. Here's the latest from the hallowed and haunted halls of the White House:
Not much happened in August; the place was a ghost town, literally. I miss the Clintons. For a while there it was a party every night. Even the Trumans were more fun than this Bush bunch. But, they're hardly ever here. And the guests they let in! Texas oilmen in ten-gallon hats and rattlesnake boots with their blue-haired wives named Dolly. Yikes!
Gotta go... the current residents have just returned.
 
CORRECTION
Last week (Aug. 27) we reported the following: “Nothing New in Over a Week From Dennis Rodman.” Late Sunday night, just after we went to press, Mr. Rodman was reportedly involved in a fracas at a restaurant where he allegedly sprayed patrons and employees with a fire extinguisher. Charges are pending. We apologize for any confusion this may have caused.

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