Ironic Times

NO. 45 "Expect the Ironic" JULY 23 - 29, 2001

July 16
July 30
VATICAN PROFITS SHRINKING
Part of worldwide economic slowdown.
WORLD NEWS
G-8 Summit Considered a Success
Food good, wine superb, cigars first-rate.
U.S. Asks Russians to Help Find Missing FBI Weapons, Computers
KGB has best records of FBI inventory.
Israel, Palestinians Reach Agreement
Agree to escalate conflict.
Queen Elizabeth Insists Royal
Family Cut Costs

Mistress maintenance fees halved.
Kenyans Asked to Abstain from
Sex for Two Years

World Bank asked to pay cost of cold showers.
Elian Gonzalez Returned to U.S.
“Obnoxious brat” wears out welcome in Cuba.
Security Tight at G-8 Summit
German Deputy Foreign Minister Hans Pfaff (right) is strip-searched before being allowed entrance.
U. S. NEWS
FBI “Misplaces” Keys, Glasses in Latest Embarrassment
Can't get in headquarters without keys, can't find keys without glasses.
Pentagon Scraps Old Strategy for Winning Two Wars Simultaneously
New plan is “win one, lose one.”
Artificial Heart “Working Flawlessly”
But patient died two weeks ago.
Florida: 6,291 Alligators
Voted for Bush

Ballots were properly filled out, says Harris.
 
REMINDER
   You're turning into your mother.
 
CONSUMER NEWS
Dodge Caravan Gets "Poor" Rating in Government Crash Tests
But receives “Excellent” rating from International Brotherhood of Car Bombers.
 
ALSO IN THE NEWS . . .
UFO's Observed Hovering Over
Wide Swath of New Jersey

Bright, glowing objects dismissed by Air Force as “nothing more than alien intelligences observing us at close range.”
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 Copyright 2001 Ironic Times