Ironic Times

NO. 42 "Expect the Ironic" JULY 2 - 8, 2001

June 25
July 9
CHENEY MAY BE GIVEN BUSH'S HEART
Successful transplant would allow him to resume full work schedule.
WORLD NEWS
Mideast Cease Fire Working Well
Except for “cease” part of it.
Brazilian Rainforest May
Be Gone By 2040

Dire prediction contained in massive
4000-page report.
C.I.A. Moving Headquarters to Moscow
Move will put agency “much closer to the action.”
 
ALSO IN THE NEWS . . .
North Dakota Considering
Name Change

West Minnesota, South Canada, East Montana the leading contenders.
Giant Crocodile Still on the
Loose in Central Park

Authorities fear for its safety.
Milestone: Charles and Camilla Kiss in Public for First Time
Next up: doggie style in front of Big Ben.
U. S. NEWS
Gas Prices Plunge as Supplies Build
Administration fears we may be “over-conserving.”
 
SCIENCE
Latest Estimate: Sun Will Burn
Out in 8.97 Billion Years

White House calls it “another convincing argument against solar energy.”
 
IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO DICK CHENEY

The Orderly Transition of Power Checklist

1) Colin Powell, Condoleezza Rice, other top officials meet at the State Department.
2) “The Suitcase” with nuclear attack codes is transferred to Powell.
3) The name of a new vice president is sent to President Bush, who passes it on to the Senate for approval.
4) The Senate confirms the new vice president.
5) “The Suitcase” is transferred to the new leader, who assumes all the duties and responsibilities formerly assigned to Cheney.
 
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“I was only giving orders.”
- Slobodan Milosevic
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