Ironic Times

NO. 20 "Expect the Ironic" JAN. 29 - FEB. 4, 2001

Jan 22
Feb 5
FIRST LADY TO TEACH ADULT LITERACY CLASS
President enrolled.
WORLD NEWS
Genocide in Sudan Tops List of Stuff We Don't Want to Hear About
U.S. entanglement in Colombia is second.
Russia Fears Missile Shield Could Lead to U.S. Hegemony
Also fears Bush doesn't know what "hegemony" means.
Britain Legalizes Human Cloning
Except for royal family.
Pope Names 37 New Cardinals
Manager LaRussa hopes “just one of them” can pitch.
 
BUSINESS
Short-Range Forecast Includes Belt-Tightening, Downsizing
Long-range forecast includes scavenging, looting.
 
PEOPLE
SEN. STROM THURMOND DEAD
Apparently passed away 18 years ago.
U. S. NEWS
Joey "The Biscuit" Tortoni
Shot Down in New York
Just one of many mob executions before hitmen go on strike.
Evangelical Christians Excited at Prospects for Next Four Years
Expect to attend lots of Washington parties, live it up.
Clinton Signs Three New Bills
Pays his own gas, phone, and electric bills.
 
Allstate Raises Premium on Alien
Abduction Insurance
“We're losing our shirts,” explains spokesman.
 
Bushes Begin Two-Week Vacation
Will relax at Texas ranch after hectic first week in office.
 
ENVIRONMENT
EPA Designated National
Historic Site
Headquarters will be preserved.
 
LIFESTYLE
Changes Coming to Daylight Savings
Clocks to be turned ahead 10 minutes every month for six months, then back 10 minutes every month for the other six months.
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 Copyright 2001 Ironic Times