Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE - NOVEMBER 13 - 19, 2000
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Yankees Purchase Rights
to Second Base
They own it in all future games, a big advantage.

It was the kind of day when 2 lbs. of chuck roast, marinated in half a bottle of Thunderbird actually looked good. I was just tenderizing the meat when I was startled by a voice like warm crème brûlée with caramel sauce. "You'll want to add a tablespoon of Bovril to the meat," she purred. I looked up into the business end of the kind of weapon the politicos are all against: small, cheap, and deadly. On the other end of it was a body with more curves than a plate of rigatoni in clam sauce. "How'd you get in here?" I asked. "Never mind that," she said. "Turn the oven down to 350º, so it won't cook too fast." She tossed me two medium carrots and one onion. "Dice 'em." she added. I always pay close attention to a beautiful woman with a gun, so I did what she asked, and put it in to bake in a 6 quart, covered casserole. Suddenly, I heard the sound of eggs breaking, and my knees buckled like a bad soufflé. When I came to, my head felt like it'd been inside a Cuisinart on "puree," for 4 hours. She'd left a note: "Garnish with parsley, serve immediately with freshly baked French bread, and a couple of shots of Jim Beam."
This week we asked people who voted last Tuesday the following question:
Q: "If the election were held today, who would you vote for?"
Mike, Carbondale, Illinois: "The same person I voted for last week, George W. Bush."
Annabelle, Queens, NY: "I voted for George Bush, but I'd vote for Al Gore today."
Regina, Atlanta, Georgia: "I voted for Nader, but now I think I'd vote for Gore."
Frank, Spokane, WA: "Gore. I voted for Bush originally, but I wouldn't today."
Luis, Los Angeles, CA: "Bush. I liked Gore then, but not now."

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