Ironic Times

NO. 3 "Expect the Ironic" OCTOBER 2 - 8, 2000

Sept 25
Oct 9
U. S. NEWS
FORD BEANS CLINTON
The President couldn't get out of the way of an errant three-iron by former President Gerald Ford.
Gruesome Discovery in Hollywood
Fossilized hand and foot found in Chinese Theater cement.
Scranton, PA's "Scooter Cops" Losing War on Crime
  "Give us our bikes back," pleads unhappy patrolman.
 
ELECTION 2000
Bush to Offer Seniors Choice: Social Security or Lottery Tickets
Program will save taxpayers money, create many new millionaires, he says.
Buchanan-Hagelin TV Debate Called Off
Two Reform Party candidates will argue on phone instead.
 
POST-OLYMPIC UPDATE
Wrestler Loses Medal for Using Banned Sustance
Bulgarian must return gold after testing positive for helium.
WORLD NEWS
Earthquake, Tidal Wave Cancel
Each Other Out in Philippines
Resulting conditions "quite pleasant" say residents.
Russian Mafia, KGB in
Power Sharing Accord

Agree to divvy up everything.
China Closes Tibet for "Repairs"
Will re-open in 2005.
Parity Achieved in Colombian
Drug War

Government, guerrillas, death squads, drug lords now at equal strength thanks to U.S. help.
 
ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY

New Search Engine Can Download Unprotected Portions of User's Brain

"Vampire" program challenged by critics, but none of their ideas "worth a damn," say Vampire’s promoters, who have already examined their thoughts.
 
FRINGE
Man, Shoes Stuffed With Rice Pilaf, Re-Traces De Soto's Route West
"Just let him go," mental health experts advise curious.
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